Standing Up Against Bullying

We talk a lot about how to get our children to stand up against bullies, but the conversation needs to start with parents. There are times that you notice bullying and do nothing: bullying on the playground, bullying at the bus stop, bullying on your street in your own neighborhood. Sometimes these are kids you know; other times they are strangers. How should we respond to the bullying we see around us, especially if our children are watching our every move?
"I was driving toward the school to pick up my stepdaughter when I saw this group of kids start to beat up on another boy on the other side of the road," Carrie remembers. "Recently, I'd watched a news special report about how the public responds to acts of violence with kids they don't know, so it was fresh in my mind.
"I immediately pulled over and began to yell at the kids to stop. I said, 'Do I need to call the police?' They just looked at me silent and dumbfounded. I repeated, 'Do I need to call the police? I expect an answer from you right now.'
"Finally, they said they understood. Then I told them, 'You cannot hit other kids!' I was amazed at my reaction to defend a child I didn't even know. My adrenaline was flowing and I was shaking by the time my stepdaughter got into the car. When I told her what happened, she couldn't believe I'd do that for a stranger. I truly believe she gained assurance from the fact that I could stand up for a kid I didn't know."
Good coaches can demonstrate the skills they want to instill in their players. It's hard to take a baseball coach seriously if he can't hit the ball himself. Let your kids see how you approach advocacy, so that they know how it's done.
If your child is experiencing bullying, this is a "high stakes" situation and requires immediate action. This is one of those times when rushing in is the best idea. If you are unsure as to your rights or the rights of your child, check out Harassment at School.
According to experts in family law, bullying is:

• Sexual harassment of another student
• Teasing and excluding
• Calling names
• Physically pushing or otherwise attacking
• Threatening or hazing
• Damaging or stealing belongings
• Demanding money

One of the best preventative measures we can take as parents against bullying is to instill in our children strong leadership skills. Is your child a leader or a follower?
For more information about instilling leadership skills in your child, check out Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge.
For more about bullying for kids, check out Kids Against Bullying.

All That Glitters. . . Isn't Gold

What is it about some stories about parents and children in the media that bother us while others do not? For example, there is continuous uproar about Jon & Kate Gosselin choice to raise their 8 children with cameras rolling.
There's Nadya Suleman and her 14 children, 8 of which were born this past January. We are quick as a society to judge and jump on seemingly every day parents profiting from exposing their children's lives in front of the camera on reality television.

Yet we are slow, even preferably ignorant, to the same exploitation of children on "fantasy" television and film. Is it any less disturbing, even though it is often more profitable?

We cringe when we watch the Barbie Doll pageantry for toddlers; we run for our torches and pitchforks when we hear about the arrest of a school teacher, pastor, or scout leader on charges of child pornography.

And yet we are numb to the lives of young performers, who begin their careers in front of the camera sometimes at birth. Who put them there to begin with? Who profits?

Is it because we concede that they are making a lot of money, therefore, their lives must be wonderful? Is it because we secretly wish our own children were in the spotlight? Is it because we forget that there are real people behind the characters they portray on television and on film?

For whatever reason, we are outraged at Nadya Suleman and Jon & Kate Gosselin, but we're oblivious towards Tim & Anne Sweeten, parents of Madylin Sweeten (Everyone Loves Raymond). Three of their four children are in show business (all three on Everyone Loves Raymond) - the twin boys since they were 1 year olds).

Now at 18 years old, Sweeten seems to live a charmed life. No negative press - yet. And that's probably why our eye doesn't naturally turn toward her like it does toward a car crash on a busy road. As far as anyone is concerned, all is well.

But is it?

According to Paul Petersen, founder of A Minor Consideration, an advocacy group for young performers, something always lies beneath. "Many, if not most, of the kids seen in the media come from dysfunctional households. There is no other way to explain how they come into the Business. Advanced abilities to communicate and control the emotions of a family (or within a character) are often plain ol' survival mechanisms," Petersen explains.

"These children are so good at masking their feelings we are often at a loss to figure them out...and that's awful because at the core they are still children.
No one, I've said and more than once, can be more mature than their age. It's the compensation principal: Excel in one area of life and you can be certain other aspects are lacking."

Whether we're talking about the Gosselin children or any young performer we see on television or on film, all is not what it seems.

Our fascination with the glean and glitz of reality and fantasy celebrity is not unlike the great gold rush of the 1800's. One rumor of gold is all it takes to get some people to abandon their lives in search of the gold that will change their life forever. But all that glitters isn't gold - we should know that by now. Any prospector will tell you that you'll find more pyrite (Fool's Gold) than you will ever find real gold.

As a "viewing" public we enlist a double standard - those using reality television to profit on their children and those using "fantasy" television and film to profit on their children. Human dignity does not exist on a continuum - as a society we either value it, defend it, and promote it - or we don't.

Travolta's Son Dies at 16

Even though the press has spent years hounding the Travolta family about whether or not their son, Jett, is autistic, it's time to just

Leave the Tender Moment Alone

Celebrity status may have the power to advocate for special needs and historically has done so, but it should not be expected or demanded. Every family has the right to do what is right for their own families FIRST before doing something for society.

Today, as a mother of boys, I pray for John Travolta and Kelly Preston, unable to fathom their pain right now.

Standing Up for Themselves: A series about how our kids learn to stand on their own

In Her Own Words. . . Alyssa

The word “freedom” cannot be completely understood until the first night in college. There are no parents to check in with, no curfews and not nearly as many rules as back at home. I grew up in a very strict household throughout high school. I had to always tell my parents exactly what I would be doing at every minute of my night, which was interrupted by at least 4 or 5 phone calls. Since I’ve gotten here at Loyola University Chicago, I have experienced more freedom than I ever thought possible. I went downtown with a group of people until 1 am and didn’t have to justify to my mother that we were being safe. I walk to go buy a cup of Starbucks coffee without my dad telling me I could feed someone a meal with the money I was going to spend. I’ve done my laundry after midnight some days because I was playing Rockband in a guy’s room with a group of people, which my parents would consider unacceptable.

However, with freedom comes responsibility. There have been nights where I have stayed up until 3 am talking with people—the night before I have class. However, I have done my homework for the night, and still wake up and am attentive in class. Freedom is only a gift if a student accepts the responsibility that goes along with college life. Procrastination is inevitable for most, and I am definitely not the exception. Sometimes ordering Chinese food and watching House seems way more fulfilling than writing an 8 page paper for my Theology class. However, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I can appreciate the freedom more once I have completed all my responsibilities.

Bullying Top Concern of Parents With Overweight Child

Consider the following news item. If this is something you face as a parent, share your experience so we can help each other.

THURSDAY, Sept. 11 (HealthDay News) -- Bullying is the top "health" concern among parents with overweight and obese children, according to a new report.


Parents of these children, aged 6 to 13, also are much more likely than parents of children at a healthy weight to call bullying a top health issue for kids, according to a report released Monday by the University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health.


"We found that parents with overweight or obese children actually view bullying as a greater problem than childhood obesity," Dr. Matthew M. Davis, director of the National Poll on Children's Health, said in a university news release. "Since bullying is known to be a problem for children with increased weight, bullying prevention programs will need to be mindful of obesity as a potential trigger for bullying behavior and of parents concerns surrounding this issue."


Overall, parents don't take childhood obesity lightly, ranking it No. 1 is among health concern for kids in the National Poll on Children's Health. Still, only two-thirds of parents actually enforce such limits with their children on junk food and time spent in front of a TV or computer screen, the poll found. Still, many parents are talking with their children about having healthier diets and increasing their physical activity, which Davis said is an important first step in setting the stage for a healthier lifestyle.


Nearly two in five of the families polled included one or more overweight or obese child between the ages of 6 and 13. The poll also showed that children who were obese or overweight were almost twice as likely to have an obese parent as healthy weight children.


"In many families, obesity is a two-generation phenomenon among parents and their children. This trend could be the result of genetics or behaviors such as eating habits and physical activity that are shared among parents and their children," said Davis, an associate professor of general pediatrics and internal medicine at the U-M Medical School.

Tips to Deal with Bullying from Consumer Affairs:

For students ...

• Tell someone, school staff, parents, other trusted adults about the bullying. Often children are afraid to talk to an adult because they fear retaliation or being viewed as a tattler.

• Take a friend, or group of friends, along when speaking to a trusted adult. This approach creates a community of support and provides a model for how to address these issues.

• If students feel comfortable and safe, speak up when a peer is being bullied.

• Treat peers with respect.

For parents ...

• Model respectful interactions.

• Talk with your child and create a space in which they feel safe to discuss their fears.

• Be aware of warning signs of bullying and talk to your child about what is going on.

• Know your children's friends.

• Take time to connect with your children.

• If your child is being bullied, alert school officials and help your child get assistance. NEVER tell your child to ignore the bullying as this can increase the seriousness of the problem.

• Expect the bullying to stop. By setting a high standard, parents are demanding that change and consequences occur. They are also empowering the child to take action and shed the victim role.


More information


The Nemours Foundation has more about obesity and children.

Standing Up for Your Child Preview

Order this book from Focus on the Family

Response to Intervention - RTI

There's a national move away from special education testing and placement in favor of RTI (Response to Intervention). The desire is to help students within the regular education classroom get their needs met by their classroom teachers instead of immediately trying to have them removed into a special education environment.

That's fine. . . as long as their needs are met, teachers are prepared to meet them, teachers are willing to meet them, and their needs do not outweigh the ability of the teacher to meet them.

However, RTI can be a stumbling block to those students who truly need special education services. RTI can delay testing and services and precious time can be lost and a student's academic career jeopardized.

If you are a parent with a child who is struggling in school for any reason, please read the following article in the Washington Post and keep you eyes and ears open for RTI.

Waiting Too Late to Test?

You Were My Voice When I Couldn't Speak

I've been pretty sick for a week now, and I've had no voice for about 4 days so far. Trying to communicate what you need or meet the needs of others when you have no voice is quite difficult. As a teacher, it's what I do all day every day.

But I've been blessed to have help from those I work with and the students themselves who helped me do what I usually can do on my own. They were my voice when I couldn't speak.

This song, sung by Celine Dion has always meant a lot to me, and I'd like to share it with you. As parents and teachers, we do everything on this list just about every day. If no one has said it to you lately, thank you for being what kids need. Thank you for being there, present in the moment.

BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Give it a Listen

On November 27 and 28 I will be on the Focus on the Family daily broadcast talking about BEING YOUR CHILD'S BEST ADVOCATE.
You can tune in here

Find out more about the book that is the focus of this broadcast,
STANDING UP FOR YOUR CHILD (without stepping on toes).

The Chick that Fell Out of the Nest

"I don't want to do this," she said between sobs. "I just don't want to be here."

I handled her registration form like a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest. We'd picked out her classes for next semester and even though Kallie (not her real name) wanted to go back to her high school and drop out of our early college program, it was my job to register her for the next semester.

"I've talked to them both over and over again," she said. "They don't understand. I'm just not ready to be here. It's too much. It's all too much!"

"This looks like a much better schedule this time," I said pointing to the computer print out. "I think you'll enjoy if you give it a chance."

She ignored my encouragement.

"What can I do to get thrown out of this program?" She said with a sly smile, knowing she'd get a rise out of me. Yet, she was that desperate.

"Don't jeopardize your future by doing something stupid," I said. I was wearing my "mom" hat now. The thing was - I agreed. I knew that Kallie was not ready for this transition to early college. After all, it's not for everyone.

As parents we believe we know what's best for our children and hate it if someone tells us differently - even when it's our own children. It's hard to let them make their own decisions about what's best for them when we're used to making those decisions for them.

How do you know when it's time?

Consider first, how high are the stakes? Then, how much prior experience have you given them to make decisions on their own? Finally, will this decision help or hinder their march towards maturity?

Kallie had mapped out all the reasons she wasn't quite ready for the responsibility thrust upon her. Her parents didn't listen.

How do you know when to shove the baby bird out of the nest and when to hold them back away from the edge? It may be too comfortable for them in that nest. Without a good shove, they'll never learn how to fly for themselves.

Right now Kallie's view of her nest is from the ground. She may need to be hand fed and protected a little more than the rest if she doesn't get back into the nest. Or she may discover that she is indeed strong enough and able to fly - she just won't know until she tries.

Her parents know her better than I do, but for me all I can do is show her the way and keep the predators away. The rest, is up to her.

How to Handle What You Don't Want to Hear About Your Kids

I have two parent conferences scheduled for Monday. Needless to say I'm a little nervous about one of them. Unfortunately two of my students were involved in an "academic honesty" issue and the father of the girl who confessed decided his best reaction to me on the phone was to "F" this and "F" that as loud as he could.

This is not my fault. I'm not the one who cheated and got caught. Yet, he's angry with me and the school.

Our children are not perfect. They are going to make mistakes. They will make foolish decisions. And they will get caught. Sometimes teachers and other adults in authority will have mercy on them; sometimes they won't. Regardless, how do you respond when your child gets caught in wrong-doing?

And what does the way you respond teach your kids about advocacy?

Think about it. . . and then pray for me on Monday during that conference!

Too Much Homework?

See if this sounds familiar.

From a mother of two elementary age girls in Colorado -

"Nicole is really struggling with 5th grade, and I am starting to get frustrated and even angry. I'm not angry with her, I'm angry with the amount of work that is given a 10-yr-old. Her homework takes her so long every night that most days, she has no time to play with her friends and I don't think that's right. If we have an afterschool activity, like gymnastics, forget it. She can't even complete the amount of homework that is given her.

We're going to have a conference with her teacher next week. But honestly, school is SO STRESSFUL FOR ME. Why should I have to be so stressed out over my FIFTH grader? I dreaded school starting for this very reason. I wished summer would last forever because when they are in school, it takes so much time out of my day and puts so much stress in my life.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I should take her out and homeschool the rest of 5th grade. But that may be an overreaction. I need to get over to her school, talk to the teacher and even the principal if necessary, and get this girl some help. Also, get ME some help. I am in tears over this."

So what's a parent to do? Do we tell our kids to suck it up and deal? Do we accept it as the school trying to instill a strong "work ethic" into our wee ones?

It depends.

The purpose of homework is all too often in dispute. There's a great article in Parents Magazine that offers guidelines to help you know when to step in and stand up for your child over this issue.

Here are the recommended signs that your child has too much homework:

What are signs that your child might be getting too much?

If he starts to hate school, like my daughter did, that might be one, as are nightly hysterics over homework.

The National Education Association recommends that kids have a total of ten minutes per grade level of homework per night. Anything above that is excessive.

The bottom line is that a child will understand a concept better if he has time to work on five problems, rather than struggling to race through 50.

A good school is not determined by how many hours of homework their teachers assign.It is not something to boast about!

Tug of War

The older our children get, the more they want to do things on their own. It can be unnerving to let your child go out into that cold, cruel world by himself; you never know what might happen!

I remember when my first born son, Christopher, swatted my hand away when I went to button his shirt at age 3 and said, "No, Mommy, I do!"

He learned to soothe himself to sleep, feed himself, and do all sorts of "big boy" things all while I watched. Taking a calculated step back is not always easy to do. When he went down the slide without my help - I trembled and held my arms out anyway. He walked into his kindergarten classroom so excited that he forgot to say goodbye to me - I silently stood in the doorway and watched him enter a world he didn't know before that day. Later on in his late teens he drove to visit his aunt and uncle five hours away (see post on Apples & Chalkdust blog)- 250 miles - while I anxiously watched the clock and waited for his phone call to tell me he was safe.

This letting go wasn't always easy - in fact it felt more like a tug-of-war.

But it's hard to know when to let go - you don't want to let go too suddenly or your child may tumble to the ground. It might be a good idea to ease up on your grip a little at a time, so that when you do let go your child finds himself standing straight and tall and not flat on his back.

How to Stand Up for Your Adoptive Child

Copyright 2007, Thomas Rockwell Photography, Indianapolis, IN
Guest Columnist: Sherrie Eldridge

Standing up for your kid is a hot topic among those with adopted children.
Adopted people, no matter what their age, are often the brunt of ignorance, insensitivity, or cruelty. Take, for instance, the school-aged child that is asked to do a family tree and then singled out by the teacher who wants him to tell what makes his family different because he’s adopted. Adopted people, in fact no one, likes to be singled out as different. That is judgment! Or, take the kindergartner that is singled out and pushed from a circle in a game, listening to taunts that she’s adopted. That was me, and I won’t tell you how many years ago! After talking with many adoptees, I know that they receive many taunts today:

• How much did he/she cost?
• Why is your skin dark and your parents’ skin is light?
• Where did YOU come from?
• Who are your REAL parents?
• Where are your REAL parents?
• Oh, you have three of your OWN and one ADOPTED kid?

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute reports that 60% of the U.S. population is directly touched by adoption. Either one has a relative or close friend that is an adopted person. However, the media is usually the source of the public’s education about adoption, and the media, for the most part, is back in the 1800’s!

Not all insensitive remarks come from bad intentions. Sometimes we feel awkward and don’t know what to say. Nevertheless, I try to teach parents, kids, teachers….anyone who will listen…how to stand up to insensitive remarks and/or bullies by using the method created by Marilyn Schoettle, M.A. from the WISE-UP Power Workbook. She recommends four ways for kids to “take their power back” when misunderstood or mistreated, for we all feel victimized when hurtful things are said. Learning these four options helps adopted people, or anyone. The letters in the word WISE are the acronym that represent the four choices:

• W=Walk Away. Turn your back and walk away. This communicates a strong message to the sender. “Your message was terribly inappropriate.”
• I==It’s Private. “I don’t feel like talking about it right now.”
• S=Share. Share some of your feelings. “I feel embarrassed when people say things about adoption or adopted people that aren’t correct.”
• E=Educate. Educate your listener about adoption. There is such a need for this. “Who are my REAL parents? Well, I have two sets of real parents—one that gave me my personality, body, and birth, and my mom and dad that give me love, nurturing, character building, and everything a kid needs. Thanks for asking.”

I applaud Vicki for writing this book because it meets such a need for adoptive families and I predict her book will be popular among them.

Speaker and author, Sherrie Eldridge, an adoptee herself, is passionate about assuring those touched by adoption that they can grow because of the unique challenges adoptive family living presents. She is the author of the highly acclaimed books Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew and Twenty Life-Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make and Forever Fingerprints…An Amazing Discovery for Adopted Children. As President of Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network, Inc., a non-profit adoption educational organization, she offers extensive online resources, including inspiration, encouragement, projects for parents and kids, newsletters, and workbooks. For speaking, contact her at http://www.adoptionjewels.org/.

Antipsychotic Drugs for ADHD on the Rise

(Photo By Joel Salcido for USA TODAY first appeared 5/02/06)

Evan Kitchens, 10, suffered severe side effects as a small child before being weaned off atypical anti-psychotic drugs.

According to a special report published in the St. Petersburg Times today, "more and more, parents at wit's end are begging doctors to help them calm their aggressive children or control their kids with ADHD. More and more, doctors are prescribing powerful antipsychotic drugs. In the past seven years, the number of Florida children prescribed such drugs has increased some 250 percent," reported Robert Farley.

There is so much to this issue, I can't encapsulate it in a blog post. But the concerns are many. How often are antipsychotic drugs actually necessary? How much of a child's environment affects his behavior and emotions? Have we counted the costs? All of them?

One pediatrician interviewed for this article said this. "Some parents are so stressed out, they come in seeking a pill," Dr. Esther Gonzales said. It's easy to medicate kids; "it is very hard to change environment."

There is more divorce and more drug abuse, more domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse. Working parents are overwhelmed. This may be one collection of reasons, but I don't think working parents are the only ones overwhelmed. We need to study that more.

Do the side effects outweigh the potential benefits of the drugs? I don't know.

Anyone out there have personal experience with this issue that you can share? Help us understand how you battle on behalf of your child.

Wordless Wednesdays

Give Me an 'A'! - for ADVOCATE

(Photo courtesy: The Victoria Advocate; appeared on this website)


"The Fischer family sought legal counsel, San Antonio's Anderson & Duke P.C., and is willing to go to court if Wycoda is not allowed to be a cheerleader."

Read the rest of the article here.

One of the principles behind Standing Up for Your Child without Stepping on Toes is:

Guiding Principle #3 – Keep the long term best interests of your child in mind when you intercede. It may seem like a good idea to get your child what he wants at this moment, but in the long run it may be detrimental to his character. We live in an instant society that wants what it wants right now which counteracts the long term values of persistence, perseverance, and long-suffering.

Do you think this family has stepped over the line here? Have you ever felt compelled to do the same? It's not easy sometimes to discern when to step in and when to step back.

Wordless Wednesdays

Your Child's Worst Enemy

(painting by Julia Lucich http://www.landingpartygallery.com/orig_trad_fig/mirror.html)

My mother always said that I was my own worst enemy. And she was right. The same can be said for my own children. At one time or another our kids get in their own way of getting what they want or need. Sometimes it's our job to protect them from themselves.

Sometimes that means being the "bad guy" or "raining on their parade" but as the grown up, the one who has already "been there, done that" we need to believe in our own credibility. You actually do know better.

The older they get, the higher the stakes get for our kids. The older they get, the less time we have to impart all we wanted to on their lives.

Time is short - so as I argue with my 16 year old that he can't and shouldn't buy an overpriced light sabre on EBay and save his money instead, I need to win the argument. Today I'm the bad guy. Today I'm the unfair mom. Today he doesn't like me very much and won't talk to me.

But that's part of the job too.

Stand firm and do the hard thing. They'll thank you later.

What Do You Think? - "Snakes" (I mean "Kids") on a Plane!

This story, along with others, is getting a lot of attention right now. Have you ever been on an airplane with an annoying or unruly toddler or child? If you were a mom or dad in that situation, what did you do and how did you feel? Did you know that once the doors of the jet closes, you are under the strict jurisdication of the FAA and must follow whatever they deem is necessary to secure the safety of passengers. As we learn how to stand up for our children, how does this situation challenge your advocacy skills?

Watch and Let Us Know What You Think


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