Too Much Homework?

See if this sounds familiar.

From a mother of two elementary age girls in Colorado -

"Nicole is really struggling with 5th grade, and I am starting to get frustrated and even angry. I'm not angry with her, I'm angry with the amount of work that is given a 10-yr-old. Her homework takes her so long every night that most days, she has no time to play with her friends and I don't think that's right. If we have an afterschool activity, like gymnastics, forget it. She can't even complete the amount of homework that is given her.

We're going to have a conference with her teacher next week. But honestly, school is SO STRESSFUL FOR ME. Why should I have to be so stressed out over my FIFTH grader? I dreaded school starting for this very reason. I wished summer would last forever because when they are in school, it takes so much time out of my day and puts so much stress in my life.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I should take her out and homeschool the rest of 5th grade. But that may be an overreaction. I need to get over to her school, talk to the teacher and even the principal if necessary, and get this girl some help. Also, get ME some help. I am in tears over this."

So what's a parent to do? Do we tell our kids to suck it up and deal? Do we accept it as the school trying to instill a strong "work ethic" into our wee ones?

It depends.

The purpose of homework is all too often in dispute. There's a great article in Parents Magazine that offers guidelines to help you know when to step in and stand up for your child over this issue.

Here are the recommended signs that your child has too much homework:

What are signs that your child might be getting too much?

If he starts to hate school, like my daughter did, that might be one, as are nightly hysterics over homework.

The National Education Association recommends that kids have a total of ten minutes per grade level of homework per night. Anything above that is excessive.

The bottom line is that a child will understand a concept better if he has time to work on five problems, rather than struggling to race through 50.

A good school is not determined by how many hours of homework their teachers assign.It is not something to boast about!

Tug of War

The older our children get, the more they want to do things on their own. It can be unnerving to let your child go out into that cold, cruel world by himself; you never know what might happen!

I remember when my first born son, Christopher, swatted my hand away when I went to button his shirt at age 3 and said, "No, Mommy, I do!"

He learned to soothe himself to sleep, feed himself, and do all sorts of "big boy" things all while I watched. Taking a calculated step back is not always easy to do. When he went down the slide without my help - I trembled and held my arms out anyway. He walked into his kindergarten classroom so excited that he forgot to say goodbye to me - I silently stood in the doorway and watched him enter a world he didn't know before that day. Later on in his late teens he drove to visit his aunt and uncle five hours away (see post on Apples & Chalkdust blog)- 250 miles - while I anxiously watched the clock and waited for his phone call to tell me he was safe.

This letting go wasn't always easy - in fact it felt more like a tug-of-war.

But it's hard to know when to let go - you don't want to let go too suddenly or your child may tumble to the ground. It might be a good idea to ease up on your grip a little at a time, so that when you do let go your child finds himself standing straight and tall and not flat on his back.

How to Stand Up for Your Adoptive Child

Copyright 2007, Thomas Rockwell Photography, Indianapolis, IN
Guest Columnist: Sherrie Eldridge

Standing up for your kid is a hot topic among those with adopted children.
Adopted people, no matter what their age, are often the brunt of ignorance, insensitivity, or cruelty. Take, for instance, the school-aged child that is asked to do a family tree and then singled out by the teacher who wants him to tell what makes his family different because he’s adopted. Adopted people, in fact no one, likes to be singled out as different. That is judgment! Or, take the kindergartner that is singled out and pushed from a circle in a game, listening to taunts that she’s adopted. That was me, and I won’t tell you how many years ago! After talking with many adoptees, I know that they receive many taunts today:

• How much did he/she cost?
• Why is your skin dark and your parents’ skin is light?
• Where did YOU come from?
• Who are your REAL parents?
• Where are your REAL parents?
• Oh, you have three of your OWN and one ADOPTED kid?

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute reports that 60% of the U.S. population is directly touched by adoption. Either one has a relative or close friend that is an adopted person. However, the media is usually the source of the public’s education about adoption, and the media, for the most part, is back in the 1800’s!

Not all insensitive remarks come from bad intentions. Sometimes we feel awkward and don’t know what to say. Nevertheless, I try to teach parents, kids, teachers….anyone who will listen…how to stand up to insensitive remarks and/or bullies by using the method created by Marilyn Schoettle, M.A. from the WISE-UP Power Workbook. She recommends four ways for kids to “take their power back” when misunderstood or mistreated, for we all feel victimized when hurtful things are said. Learning these four options helps adopted people, or anyone. The letters in the word WISE are the acronym that represent the four choices:

• W=Walk Away. Turn your back and walk away. This communicates a strong message to the sender. “Your message was terribly inappropriate.”
• I==It’s Private. “I don’t feel like talking about it right now.”
• S=Share. Share some of your feelings. “I feel embarrassed when people say things about adoption or adopted people that aren’t correct.”
• E=Educate. Educate your listener about adoption. There is such a need for this. “Who are my REAL parents? Well, I have two sets of real parents—one that gave me my personality, body, and birth, and my mom and dad that give me love, nurturing, character building, and everything a kid needs. Thanks for asking.”

I applaud Vicki for writing this book because it meets such a need for adoptive families and I predict her book will be popular among them.

Speaker and author, Sherrie Eldridge, an adoptee herself, is passionate about assuring those touched by adoption that they can grow because of the unique challenges adoptive family living presents. She is the author of the highly acclaimed books Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew and Twenty Life-Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make and Forever Fingerprints…An Amazing Discovery for Adopted Children. As President of Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network, Inc., a non-profit adoption educational organization, she offers extensive online resources, including inspiration, encouragement, projects for parents and kids, newsletters, and workbooks. For speaking, contact her at http://www.adoptionjewels.org/.

Antipsychotic Drugs for ADHD on the Rise

(Photo By Joel Salcido for USA TODAY first appeared 5/02/06)

Evan Kitchens, 10, suffered severe side effects as a small child before being weaned off atypical anti-psychotic drugs.

According to a special report published in the St. Petersburg Times today, "more and more, parents at wit's end are begging doctors to help them calm their aggressive children or control their kids with ADHD. More and more, doctors are prescribing powerful antipsychotic drugs. In the past seven years, the number of Florida children prescribed such drugs has increased some 250 percent," reported Robert Farley.

There is so much to this issue, I can't encapsulate it in a blog post. But the concerns are many. How often are antipsychotic drugs actually necessary? How much of a child's environment affects his behavior and emotions? Have we counted the costs? All of them?

One pediatrician interviewed for this article said this. "Some parents are so stressed out, they come in seeking a pill," Dr. Esther Gonzales said. It's easy to medicate kids; "it is very hard to change environment."

There is more divorce and more drug abuse, more domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse. Working parents are overwhelmed. This may be one collection of reasons, but I don't think working parents are the only ones overwhelmed. We need to study that more.

Do the side effects outweigh the potential benefits of the drugs? I don't know.

Anyone out there have personal experience with this issue that you can share? Help us understand how you battle on behalf of your child.

Wordless Wednesdays

Give Me an 'A'! - for ADVOCATE

(Photo courtesy: The Victoria Advocate; appeared on this website)


"The Fischer family sought legal counsel, San Antonio's Anderson & Duke P.C., and is willing to go to court if Wycoda is not allowed to be a cheerleader."

Read the rest of the article here.

One of the principles behind Standing Up for Your Child without Stepping on Toes is:

Guiding Principle #3 – Keep the long term best interests of your child in mind when you intercede. It may seem like a good idea to get your child what he wants at this moment, but in the long run it may be detrimental to his character. We live in an instant society that wants what it wants right now which counteracts the long term values of persistence, perseverance, and long-suffering.

Do you think this family has stepped over the line here? Have you ever felt compelled to do the same? It's not easy sometimes to discern when to step in and when to step back.

Wordless Wednesdays

Your Child's Worst Enemy

(painting by Julia Lucich http://www.landingpartygallery.com/orig_trad_fig/mirror.html)

My mother always said that I was my own worst enemy. And she was right. The same can be said for my own children. At one time or another our kids get in their own way of getting what they want or need. Sometimes it's our job to protect them from themselves.

Sometimes that means being the "bad guy" or "raining on their parade" but as the grown up, the one who has already "been there, done that" we need to believe in our own credibility. You actually do know better.

The older they get, the higher the stakes get for our kids. The older they get, the less time we have to impart all we wanted to on their lives.

Time is short - so as I argue with my 16 year old that he can't and shouldn't buy an overpriced light sabre on EBay and save his money instead, I need to win the argument. Today I'm the bad guy. Today I'm the unfair mom. Today he doesn't like me very much and won't talk to me.

But that's part of the job too.

Stand firm and do the hard thing. They'll thank you later.

What Do You Think? - "Snakes" (I mean "Kids") on a Plane!

This story, along with others, is getting a lot of attention right now. Have you ever been on an airplane with an annoying or unruly toddler or child? If you were a mom or dad in that situation, what did you do and how did you feel? Did you know that once the doors of the jet closes, you are under the strict jurisdication of the FAA and must follow whatever they deem is necessary to secure the safety of passengers. As we learn how to stand up for our children, how does this situation challenge your advocacy skills?

Watch and Let Us Know What You Think


You'll need a version of Windows Media Player 7 or higher to view the video. If you need to download it, go to http://www.microsoft.com/windows/mediaplayer/en/default.asp. The video player is supported by Microsoft IE 5.0 and above.

Wordless Wednesdays

Quotable

Every Friday I'll offer you a piece of advice that may apply to standing up for your child. Grab this quote and write a response to it on your own blog. Invite others to check back here every Friday to respond to our weekly quote. Leave a comment before you go on your way.

The mother- or father-bear behavior that surfaces when your child is threatened must be tamed if you're going to accomplish anything.

PROMise Me

I meant to post this a long time ago, but never got around to it. This is our oldest son, Christopher. He will be a senior in high school this year. He went to his junior prom this spring- without a date. He and many of his friends met there to celebrate together. They had a blast and I am so happy he went. He rented his own tux (without having to match it to a girl's dress!) and drove himself to the beachside restaurant where the prom was held. He came home late, but not too late. He was safe. I was relieved.

Before he left for the evening, I went over my "list of promises" with him, knowing he's heard it all before. It never hurts to say it one more time.

- Promise me you will drive safely.
- Promise me you will be polite to everyone you meet there.
- Promise me you will not do anything "stupid." But if you do, you will find a way to make it right.
- Promise me you will call if you find yourself in a situation you're not comfortable handling on your own.
- Promise me you will come home safe and sound.

He promised. . . I waited up and watched for his headlights. Around midnight they grazed the front of our house and I relaxed.

The promises we solicit from our children should be no different than those we make to them. They aren't guarantees, but they point us all in the right direction.

What promises do you hope your child will keep?

Wordless Wednesdays

Four Tips for First Job Frustrations

"I want a different job," our youngest, age 16 said when he came home from work. He's a server in the dining room of a retirement village near our home. His brother works there as well, but in a different building.

"What happened this time?" I asked.

"My manager just yells at me for no reason. I feel targeted. It's like I can't do anything right," he was frustrated, and I would be too.

He was already on the hunt for a new job when he voiced his ever-increasing anxiety. He's only been there for three months. This particular job has high teenage turnover. Kids come and go all the time. I'm sure it can be just as frustrating for a manager as it would an employee. But we had a golden opportunity to help our son navigate through this turmoil and not run from it.

We all prefer the path of least resistance, but it doesn't often lead us where we want to go. Perseverance and a strong work ethic can overcome a multitude of job related frustrations. But how do you encourage your teen to stick it out when all they want to do is quit?

There were some things we realized our son wasn't prepared to handle in this job, and addressed those first. These four issues go a long way to longevity and job satisfaction.

You only have to work your assigned hours. Sometimes employers take advantage of teens in the workplace by asking them to come in on their days off or stay "just a little longer" past their shift or come in earlier than was scheduled. In these instances, your teen can say "No. I'm sorry but I can't do that." Legally he or she is within his rights to say "no." But most teens don't know that and are afraid to say "No" so they begrudgingly do what their boss says.

For more information for what the child labor laws say about teen workers, click here.

Make sure you are always doing what you're supposed to be doing. It's easy in a work environment with other teens to go along with the crowd and maybe not do what you're supposed to do. During a "shift meeting" our son got called out for talking, but he wasn't the only one. It didn't matter that his friend didn't get called out; what mattered was he wasn't doing what his boss expected him to do. Encourage your teen to go above and beyond, regardless of what anyone else is doing. If they do feel targeted, this will take away any amunition their boss may have had to pick on them.

Do your job with a happy spirit. Even if they have to fake it for a little while, encourage your teen to put on a happy face while at work. It will make him feel better and show his boss and those he serves that he respects the position and those he works with.

Don't get caught up in workplace drama. It's easy to be a whiner when everyone else is whining, but learning to rise above the "drama" in a workplace is something we all have to learn how to do. If that alienates you from the other kids at the job, so be it. You're not there to impress them. You're there to impress your employers and those you serve.

As tempted as we may be, as parents, to run interference for our teens in their first and subsequent jobs, it's crucial that they learn how to stand up for themselves. This is the perfect time to give them the tools they need and then send them out to practice on their own. If things do get out of hand, or there are safety, health, or legal consequences due to bad management, then of course, step in.

Do you have a first job memory that you can share that illustrates some of these concerns? However you handled it way back when doesn't matter. What matters now is how you'll help your teen handle it.

Wordless Wednesday

Crossing the Line

Would you break the law to get your child what he or she needs?

Consider this story in today's Los Angeles Times. . .

Schools Call Roll at a Border Crossing
"Children who are U.S. citizens or legal immigrants but live in Mexico cross every morning to get a better education for free in Arizona, breaking the law that requires them to live within the boundaries of the district. To many of their parents, who have ties in both countries, not living in the district is the educational equivalent of jaywalking."

Parents do it all the time.

Consider this article as well - Would you break the law to get your child an education?

Do we stretch the truth with our pediatrician so he'll write a prescription for an antibiotic when it isn't quite time for one? Do we lie about our child's age to get him on a particular sports team?

This is such a difficult topic, but it is so common. I'm not here to judge. I just would like to hear your justification for why you do what you do.

I'm not innocent here, but I made a choice a number of years ago to let that tactic go from my life.

Just curious about your thoughts.

Do You Have the "Right" Doctor?

Even though we didn't go to medical school, we are ultimately responsible for our own healthcare as well as our children's. We have to learn how to advocate for health needs, and that requires asking the right questions. If you are getting ready to choose a physician or you have a physician and you're not happy with him or her, there are some questions or concerns for you to consider and you look for ways to stand up for child in the exam room (or even the waiting room).

• The waiting game - how long do you find yourself waiting in the outer waiting room for your appointment? Does it seem like your appointment time is just a "suggestion"? How does the front office staff respond to inquiries about when you should expect to be seen? Do they voluntarily offer reasons for the delay or do you have to pry it out of them? How about once inside the exam room? Do you find yourself waiting there just as long? By itself, this isn't a reason to change doctors, but if it one of many complaints, you'll want to consider it.
• Appointments - is it difficult for you to get an appointment when you or your child is sick? This is a problem. Many doctors schedule in "sick" appointments so they can squeeze last minute patients in. Don't you hate it when it's Friday and you call and they can't get you or your child in to be seen and you know you have the whole weekend to get through in hopes you can get in on Monday? This shouldn't happen. Consider it a red flag.
• Second Opinions - there are medical issues that require a second opinion. Is your physician discouraging about getting one? If so, find a new doctor!
• Bedside Manner - personality does play a part in patient care. If you don't get along with your doctor; if his manner is too abrupt or makes you uncomfortable, switch. You have to trust this person if you are going to trust his diagnoses and advice.
• Record Keeping - your medical records are just that - YOURS. If a doctor does not permit you to see or have a copy of your records, there's a problem.
• Is the Doctor in? - Do you find that you spend most of your time with the nurse or the nurse practitioner? Does your doctor only show up the last few minutes of the appointment? Remember that you are paying to see the doctor, and not his nurse or physician's assistant. Consider this a red flag as well.
• Can You Hear Me Now? - is your doctor a good listener, or does he barely acknowledge your words or concers? A good doctor is a good listener and respects his patient's words.
• Front Office Staff - are they friendly or rude? The front office staff are the first ones you encounter and often reflect the doctor. Either the doctor is also rude or doesn't care that his staff is rude. He should care.
• Follow Up - does your doctor return your calls or queries or do you find yourself waiting and then always being the one to follow up with him instead? Good doctoring is also about relationship.
• Too Many Prescriptions - sometimes doctors push drugs and/or vitamins on patients when it is not necessary in order to push products the drug companies "encourage" them to push. Often these drugs are more expensive or don't have a generic alternative. If you don't need it, don't fill the prescription and find someone who isn't a pill pusher.
• To Treat You is to Know You - don't expect your doctor to remember everything about you, but he should be familiar enough with your medical history to ask about specific instances. If it feels like a first meeting every time you see him, find someone else.

Only you can decide which issues are hot buttons for you and your family. Each in isolation may be worth persevering through, but three or more in conjunction should make you take pause and reconsider your healthcare provider.

When Illness Forces You to Stand for Your Child

Guest Columnist: Ellen Schneider

Our daughter, Abigail, was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when she was in the second grade.

My husband and I immediately sat down with the assistant principal and the school nurse to discuss Abby’s medical condition and what care she would need while in school. For the two years that Abby attended this school, we never had a problem. I would visit Abby’s class every September and explain to her classmates what Type 1 diabetes was, how it would affect Abby, symptoms to look for, and how to treat them. I asked them to take turns being her buddy and escorting her to the nurse whenever she needed to test her blood sugar level. I worked with Abby’s teachers and the homeroom parents to ensure that Abby would have suitable snacks to eat during school events and the ever popular birthday parties.

I obtained information from the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation’s website on advocating for your child in school and printed out their recommended wording for a 504 Plan, which we modified and discussed with school personnel. The 504 (Health) Plan allows you to make special requests and we modify the plan and discuss any changes with the school administrators and nurse each June. Second graders ate lunch at 10:30 am and had a snack in the classroom at 1 pm. Having lunch so early would negatively affect Abby’s blood sugars, so we included a request that Abby eat snack at 10:30 am and eat her lunch when her classmates were eating snack. Since exercise lowers her blood sugar, Abby’s 504 Plan states that she have gym scheduled before lunch.

Any time Abby feels “weird” due to blood sugars being too high or too low, she leaves her classroom and visits the school nurse. It was very important to us that this also be written into the 504 Plan. While not critical in second grade, this point becomes more important as Abby gets older. It means that if Abby needs to visit the school nurse while the class is taking an exam, whether a subject test or a standardized test, she is allowed extra time to complete the exam. By planning ahead, we hope to prevent any problems when Abby takes the SAT exams.

Abby now attends middle school and the nurse is not comfortable treating Abby’s diabetes. While there are other children in the school with Type 1 diabetes, Abby requires more insulin and more frequently than the other students. This nurse hasn’t always treated Abby and her diabetes appropriately. She has told Abby that her food choices weren’t suitable, that Abby should take more control of her diabetes and finger-test herself (because the nurse didn’t want to do it), and that Abby should use an insulin pump, like some of the other students.

It is the nurse’s responsibility to administer insulin when necessary—not make recommendations as to Abby’s care. We let Abby dictate her own level of involvement. Abby began finger-testing and drawing up insulin when she was comfortable with the procedures. Abby will use an insulin pump when, and if, she decides to use one.

The most serious problem, however, involves the administering of insulin when Abby’s blood sugar levels go over 350. The 504 Plan states this and the nurse has a written protocol, signed by Abby’s endocrinologist, detailing the amount of insulin to administer depending on Abby’s blood sugar level. The protocol requires no thought. If Abby’s blood sugar is X, nurse gives Y amount of insulin, regardless of the time of day. It’s simple. Unfortunately, one day the nurse didn’t give Abby insulin because it was 10:30 am, and “too early in the day” to give insulin. Nor did the nurse call me to ask about it. What made this even more frightening was Abby’s blood sugar level was the highest it had ever been, yet I didn’t even get a phone call.

The next day I stormed into the nurse’s office demanding to know why insulin wasn’t given. Totally unsatisfied with the nurse’s response, I insisted on meeting with the principal to discuss the situation. He promised to question the nurse and get back to me, which he didn’t. Two weeks later, I sent a letter to the nurse’s supervisor alerting her to the nurse’s extremely negligent behavior. The supervisor called and we discussed possible solutions. I’m pleased to report the nurse has since acted in a more appropriate manner. If you don’t fight for your child, who will?

Guiding Principle #1 - Be Mindful of What You Model

To prepare for the anticipated release of STANDING UP FOR YOUR CHILD (without stepping on toes), due in stores in July, I will present to you one by one the guiding principles in this book.

First things first.

"Be Mindful of What You Model"

Just as women's fashion eventually mimics that which is seen on the runways of Milan and Paris, our children mimic what they see in our behavior and hear in our words. For better and for worse, they're watching closely. How we negotiate on their behalf is witnessed and filed for later use in their minds.

What you model matters. Are you a Buddy, a Bully, or a Hero when you advocate for your kids? Find out.

Read the first chapter of STANDING UP FOR YOUR CHILD without stepping on toes.

Bus Stop Bullies

Today's news about a school bus crash in Turkey that killed 32 people, including students on a field trip, spurs me on to talk about why we have not gone to great lengths to protect our children on their school buses. What can we do as parents to advocate for safer buses?

Below is an article I posted previously about our responsibilities when it comes to school bus safety. Some of us keep our kids safe by driving them ourselves, but not everyone has that luxury.

Bus Stop Bullies

State of the art school buses are beginning to ramble down suburban streets, rural back roads and urban avenues. Push-out windows, high-visibility strobe lights, roof escape hatches, stop sign arms, cross padded high-back, flame-retardant seats and modified handrails on bus steps might make riding on a school bus safer than in the family car.

So why are more and more parents driving their kids to school instead?

“I wish we didn’t have to sit in the same seats all year,” a third grader complained.

“I don’t like that my kids have to wait for the bus in the dark,” Tallahassee, Florida mom Amy Convery said when she found out her elementary age child would have to be at the stop by 6:15 a. m. “It’s just not safe enough.”

The United States isn’t the only country wrestling with trying to get more kids to ride the bus to school. School authorities in Newport, Wales are replacing 24 double-decker school buses that were so old, vandalized and plagued by badly behaving students that drivers were refusing to drive them.

It’s hard enough keeping track of 50 kids on a regular, yellow American school bus. Can you imagine trying to monitor two floors of a double-decker?

But technology is a wonderful thing.

In New Jersey and some counties in Florida cameras have been installed above the driver in order to capture the behavior of students en route. If there’s a problem, the camera will catch it (them). Unruly behavior that distracts the driver and bullying that harasses students are caught on tape and reported directly to the school.

Does that make everyone feel safer? Not yet.

One of the greatest dangers to students traveling on a school bus isn’t the other kids on the bus or an easily annoyed driver. It’s the rest of us on the road with them who are more concerned about getting past the stopped yellow icon of American education and getting to work on time.

“Motorists not paying attention is our biggest problem and the biggest safety threat to the children we transport,” said Tom Boyd, general manager of Murphy Bus Co. in Middletown, New Jersey.

What’s the solution? More cameras.

Stop-arm cameras can now be used to capture the make, model, color and even the license plate number of a vehicle that fails to stop for a school bus. Sgt. John Sutton of the Brick Police Traffic Safety Division in New Jersey said that if a vehicle runs the red lights of a school bus and is caught on tape, they can receive 5 points on their license, a fine no less than $100 and 15 days of community service or jail time.

As extreme (and expensive) as these measures may seem, I applaud those school systems who choose to invest in the safety of the most precious cargo on our planet – our children.

Now if we could just do something about that boy who keeps putting his gum in the Jane’s red-haired pigtails! Let’s hope he gets caught on tape too.

Copyright 2004 - 2007 Vicki Caruana