Buzz, buzz, buzz…hum, hum, hum. Buzz, buzz, buzz…hum, hum, hum. The sound is rhythmic, never ending. It's a soft sound, pleasant. Reminds me of the ebb and flow of waves crashing into rocks and then quietly returning back to sea. But this sound is even softer than that. This sound could be the background for relaxation tapes of the living earth.This buzz-hum is the sound of four fluids being pumped into my son Andrew's veins. The buzzing isn't as soothing as the hum, but nevertheless, at times is has the power to lure both of us towards slumber in his hospital room.
This young man is supposed to be hyped and careening through his last four weeks of his senior year in high school. He's supposed to be bragging to me about how many hits he got in PE softball today. Writing that last essay for English class. Or rattling off his list of graduation gift requests. Getting the brakes fixed on his motorcycle.
Instead this 18-year-old, 6'3" skinny drink of water is lying still with three IV poles lined up like soldiers next to his bed pumping antibiotics, steroids, a saline solution and red blood cells into his left arm. Ulcerative Colitis eats at his intestines like an infidel who tears into town to do nothing but wreck havoc.
Doctors, nurses and lab technicians poke and prod and stick needles and various plastic and metal things into his body. Granted, they do it lovingly and with tremendous compassion, but they still do it.
I watch, wait and do typical Mom things…rub his back, feed him ice chips, chatter about the real world, fluff his pillow, go on clutter patrol in his room and ask enough questions so I understand what's being done to my youngest child.
For the first three days I'm so calm and serene I amaze myself. During a particularly quiet moment while reading a magazine I read a quote by Sam J. Ervin Jr. Religious faith is not a storm cellar to which men and women can flee for refuge from the storms of life. It is, instead, an inner spiritual strength which enables them to face those storms with hope and serenity.
Of course, I say to myself, I am filled with hope and serenity. Otherwise how can I profess to be a woman of faith? Feeling quite smug with myself, I bask in my serenity, proud of my tower of strength attitude.
By the end of day four my son is cranky. Four days without food or water punctuated with pain and constant intrusions into his personal space, have left him unable to put any social skill programs into his body's computer. He's running on two cylinders instead of eight so he snaps at me, complains about everything, declares that he's sick of visitors and phone calls and in the end reduces me to tears. I'm not such pillar after all.
That night, still in my son's room, I whimper to our pastor, Father Tom, who has come for a visit. "What's wrong with me? I'm losing it. Where's my serenity? Doesn't my faith guarantee serenity?"
"Nonsense," he says. "You can't be in the same room with someone 18 hours a day for four days without losing it. Happily married couples can't even do it when they're perfectly healthy. You need to get out of here. Go for a walk. Take care of you for awhile. I'll stay."
I leave, afraid that if I don't I'll burst into loud shaking sobs. I head for my friend Betsy's house where we walk, talk (mostly me blathering about the whole week with all its gruesome details) and finish off the visit with brownies and hugs.
Two hours later I'm back in my son's room. Our pastor leaves, the last poking, prodding and injections are completed for the day and once again, I've settled into a chair next to the IV pumps.
Buzz, buzz, buzz. Hum, hum, hum. As I listen I begin to understand more about faith. I learn that it's there and that it flows like medicine through an IV, sure and steady. Sometimes it buzzes. Sometimes it hums. For now, the humming lulls me to sleep.
Editor's Note: How can you step aside, even briefly, to take care of your own needs, so that you will continue to have the strength to stand for your child?
Patricia Lorenz is an art-of-living writer and speaker, the author of seven books, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Tea Lover's Soul and Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover's Soul, (to be released in October 2007), the top contributing writer for Chicken Soup books in the country with stories in 30 of them, a contributing writer for 17 Daily Guideposts books, and the author of over 400 articles and stories. To hire her as a speaker contact her at patricialorenz@juno.com or www.PatriciaLorenz.com
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